I used to get on the inversion table once, twice, three times a week. For those who don’t know, an inversion table adjusted to your height and used properly, helps greatly in facilitating the correct alignment of your spine, neck and total body.
You stay inverted for two to three minutes and then move your arms forward to your waist and the incline brings you up right. Now you can unlock the bindings on your legs and exit the machine.
Yes, that’s the way it’s supposed to work.
Let me tell you how it works when you incorrectly adjust the height bar.
I know what the instructions said, I’d read them many times. But this day I decided I had shrunk. That happens as you age, you start to shrink. Nothing noticeable at first, just a little longer pants here, a little less height when setting upright in your chair…those kind of small things.
This day, however, I decided it was for certain I had shrunk. So, I adjusted the bar to what I felt was my current height. I locked it securely in place and then proceeded to lock my feet in so I wouldn’t, or better said, couldn’t slip out of the locks.
My new red tennie shoes looked adorable as I lowered my body to about the 60 degree angle. Hanging upside down, feeling really good about myself for caring enough to buy this $300 table for my health. I had done as my children, grandchildren and anyone caring to put their two cents worth in, told me, ‘never get on that table unless your phone is close enough that you can reach it. That’s just in case you can’t get yourself upright again.’
I laughed with the laugh of authority and replied, “I promise I will always have my phone near, but, there’s no way I will ever put myself in the position of not being able to turn upright.” This day was a good example of the attitude I had taken over this mindless machine.
As I hung there in suspension, I looked at the adorable crystal chandelier that hangs in my big closet and I thought it needed a little polishing. I would get right to it as soon as I finished this much needed adjustment. Glancing around the room I decided the floor could use a little sweeping too. You tend to notice those things when your face is within 10 inches of touching that floor.
After what I thought had been about four minutes, I started the upright motion that is to raise my head once again to the normal position one carry’s oneself when standing. I first brought my arm forward from hanging down, up to my waist. Then I correctly brought the other arm forward to my waist and waaaalaaaa, nothing happened.
I was still inverted just as I had been for the last four minutes, now I reached for the bar in the middle of the machine and pulled. Nothing happened, I didn’t raise one inch on the table, but did manage about twelve inches up, from where my head had rested at the beginning of this, now perilous adventure.
Now I raised both arms quickly and placed them securely on the back side of the bar in the middle of the machine and pushed (really tried) my feet down, willing them to move with all my might. Nothing happened, I’m still inverted. The warnings all came crashing down on me with the forebodings of the devil himself. A lot of good that did me now as I reached for my telephone that I had so carefully placed next to me on the chaise lounge.
I thought, I’ll call my daughter-in-law first as she’s the one that is most likely to be home at this hour of the day. No answer. The phone rang and rang. I hung up and tried to move my feet, now my ankles were beginning to hurt. The pressure was building.
I thought, ‘I wonder what would happen if I slipped my feet out of my shoes and tried to straddle the machine while still upside down.’ Thank God, common sense took over as it shouted back at me, ‘you’ll fall on your stupid head because you are upside down you idiot.’
Next I tried to call my daughter only to find out later I had dialed the name right under hers instead of dialing her number, I mean that’s what happens when you don’t have on your readers, which you can’t wear while hanging upside down ‘cause they fall off. It didn’t matter as the wrong dialed number didn’t answer either.
Now I was getting a little nervous, I even said, “Well, Lord, if it’s all the same to you I just soon not leave this world like this. I could see the headline, Woman found dead, hanging upside down in her closet, in a possible re-enactment of 50 Shades of Grey.”
Then I thought of my grandson who is a member of SWAT and works deep nights. I really didn’t want to wake him and then have him tell all the other SWAT guys how he had to rescue his grandmother from hanging upside down in her closet. But, he was a very definitely possibility if I couldn’t get anyone else to answer.
Finally, I called my son who usually by that time of day is at least one hundred miles from home. I called just in case he could think of someone, we could trust not to tell, to come and release me from my embarrassing situation.
When he answered I asked cheerily, “John, where are you today?”
“I’m still at home, Mom, what you need?”
“Oh, thank God, John, I’m stuck upside down on this damn inversion table and nothing I’ve done will get me upright.” I blurted out.
“I’ll be right there.” That blessed son of mine said.
When he walked in the room, I could see his belly shaking, but he knew better than to laugh out loud.
That’s why I can no longer get on that devil possessed machine.